3/26/2019
We are adopting a child!
We are planning on adding another little one to our family through domestic infant adoption. We have completed our adoption home study through Bethany Christian Services and are now a waiting family. The waiting period could be a few months or a few years, as with all things, it is in God’s hands.
God placed adoption on both of our hearts and it has always been part of our family plan. Scriptures reference caring for the orphan many times, James encourages the church to demonstrate their faith when he writes, "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction." Our plan to adopt a child is one way that we are fulfilling God's requirement to care for the fatherless. The Bible uses the term adoption to describe the believer being brought into God's family, the apostle Paul writes to the church in Rome saying, ”You did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, Abba! Father!" It is our prayer that, through the adoption of a child into our family, the relationship with our Heavenly Father and our shared heirship with Christ would more clearly be displayed. Further, that we, as parents, our biological children, our adopted child and the watching world would all have a deeper understanding of the unconditional love that God has for all of His children.
We are passionately against the current mass killing of unborn babies in our country. Every child, no matter the age, race, gender, health, or family is created in the image of God and has incredible worth. Adoption is one way to put into action the words that we speak. We pray that God would use us to save at least one child's life and to save the parents from murdering their own baby. Also, that it might inspire and encourage others to do the same.
We are beyond excited and are doing everything we can to be prepared to welcome a beautiful new life into our home. As part of our adoption process, we have started a crowdfunding campaign. It may surprise you to hear that adoption related costs can easily total up to $35,000 or more. This is why we have reached out to friends and family to help ease the financial burden that often overwhelms adoptive parents. To give and receive updates, you can use this page. Checks work as well.
More importantly, we ask for your prayers. Pray that God would prepare our family for this adoption. Pray that God would guide and comfort the birth parents who are making those tough decisions. Pray for the children who are being adopted and especially for our future child. Pray for Bethany Christian Services and the individuals who work to make this process happen.
One of the required readings for our training was Adopted for Life by Russell D. Moore, we really appreciated and learned from his Biblical perspective of adoption and we encourage you to read it as well. We hope that by inviting you into this process, you will see yourself as part of the community we hope to build around our child as he/she grows up!
Love,
Tim, Ali, Grayson, Ellie and Evelyn Stewart
The same day I wrote our last update we received a call from our Bethany caseworker letting us know that there was a possibility that our family would not be approved to adopt PJ. Earlier in the week, a Developmental Assessment was conducted by an Early Intervention Specialist from the county. The final recommendation made by this professional was that “PJ may do better being placed in an adoptive home with no other children, or if there are other children, children who are considerably older than him and can help him successfully navigate sibling relationships.” Due to this assessment and, in particular, this final suggestion, members of Bethany would be meeting to decide if our family was approved to adopt PJ or not.
The possibility of losing this adoption was upsetting to Ali and me but we remained positive. From the moment we had first heard about PJ, everything had been confidently moving towards placement. The birthmom was sure about our family and about the adoption plan. The VA Bethany agent was positive and working hard to get everything in place for us. Our MD Bethany agent was helping things move along and feeding us all the info we needed. We were excited and preparing to add PJ to our family. Nothing that this assessment reported was new information. PJ has never lived with a family with young kids, the closest in age was a family with children a few years older than him. A prior host family had a family from church over to their house and noted that PJ had trouble sharing, takings turns, and competing for the attention of the caregiver. The host family’s report even stated it was typical behavior for a 4-year-old but they suggested that PJ be placed in a home with no other children or only older children. Ali and I had spoken with our adoption agent about this and no one was concerned as it seemed like an area for growth that every child experiences at some point. The professional assessment was completed by observing and interacting with PJ for a few hours, interviewing the current host family, and reading the reports from other host families. The assessment recommendation seemed to merely copy the suggestion of the one host family that was based on one interaction with younger children. Our adoption agent said we might need to complete more training and have a plan for PJ to receive therapy. We were on board with all of it and anxiously awaited to hear what the Bethany panel decided.
Ali received the call from our agent and it was not the news we wanted to hear. The panel decided that our family was not the ideal composition to care for PJ. They still wanted to respect the birthmom’s decision so they talked with her, shared the assessment with her, and explained the decision of the Bethany panel. The birthmom agreed to start looking at other adoptive families. Ali was devastated, she relayed the news to me and I was in denial. Our agent encouraged us to move on but technically there was still a chance that the birthmom would look at other families, turn them down, and choose our family again. I just could not understand how everything had flipped all of a sudden. We were fully expecting to adopt PJ within the month. We already bought his car seat, arranged Grayson’s old 4T clothes in the dresser, got him a blankie like our other kids, and the matching bedspreads for the three boys had just arrived in the mail. We already purchased his airplane ticket for our family trip to Idaho. Just a couple of days prior, the meeting at the park went as well as could be imagined. PJ stayed close to us, played with our kids, and seemed comfortable and happy. We held his hand and talked as we explored the park and Evelyn raced him down the slides over and over again. Everything felt right. When we said bye we thought it was a see you soon, not goodbye forever. Now it was all over, the lyrics rang true, “I guess we’re all one phone call from our knees.”
I wrote an email with all of my frustrations and questions. Questions like how could this happen? Will we hear what happens to PJ next? Is it possible that we could still adopt him? What was said to the birthmom about us? If not him, who is our family approved to adopt? We scheduled a video call with our caseworker to go over everything which was helpful. She explained what happened during the meeting and that the professional recommendation was truly the catalyst for all the change. The panel was unwilling to risk going against an official report. The Bethany panel consisted of 3 members from the national clinical team, members from the VA branch, and our agent from the MD branch. They went through the entire assessment and the biggest concern had to do with PJ’s troubles with attachment. Attachment refers to the bond the child makes with his primary caregiver, it is essential to a child's well-being and it is a formidable obstacle when adopting older children. Even with our agent advocating for us, the panel decided it is in PJ’s best interest to be adopted into a family with parents who are able to spend a considerable amount of one-on-one time with him in order to form that connection. It is their opinion that our family, with 4 kids under 8 years old, is not the ideal situation for him.
We have experienced two miscarriages and this was similar in a way. It is mourning what could have been more so than what was. We had begun to imagine life with PJ and were joyously anticipating it. It was a different loss, we experienced his bright smile, heard his sweet voice, and held his small body. He did not pass away but he is not going to be part of our lives anymore. Ali is further along than me in the process of moving forward and trusting the Lord. I am still struggling to let go, I have not yet changed the background of my phone which is the first picture we received of PJ. I haven’t let Ali return the car seat and I haven't canceled his flight. I still wake up at night and plead with God to bring Paris to our family.
Ali and I are choosing to believe that everyone involved is doing what they think is best for PJ even if we do not agree with them. One of my devotions during this time was focused on John 15:1-2 where Jesus says, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” God takes his children through hard times because He sees what we cannot see, His purposes are higher than ours. We are partially blind to God’s purpose in all of this, which causes us to ask, “Lord, if we are not the family for PJ why involve us in his journey?” It has been a difficult week for us but we do not suffer as those without hope, we fully trust in God’s plan. If we did not have the Lord, our rock in whom we take refuge, we would be bobbing aimlessly in the ocean. We are thankful for our Father in Heaven who is “abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.” Our main prayer is that PJ is quickly adopted by a family that loves the Lord and that our family would heal from our pruning and begin to bear more fruit.
Love,
Tim, Ali, Grayson, Ellie, Evelyn, and Henry
We have some exciting news to share about our adoption journey!
We became a waiting family for the second time early in 2022. Shortly after there was a waiting families meeting open to all of the families in the Bethany Christian Services Maryland branch who are waiting to be matched with a child for adoption. The main focus of the meeting was talking about open adoption with a panel of adoptive parents. Openness in adoption refers to the amount of contact and communication between the birth family and the adoptive family and adopted child. Having an open adoption is recommended by almost all adoption specialists now and it can look different in every relationship. The biggest benefit is that both the adopted child and the birthmom, and in some cases the birthdad, are able to have questions answered. For example, a child does not have to grow up wondering why his birthmom placed him in adoption, he can ask his birthmom directly. A birthmom does not have to just hope that her child is being loved, she can hear about his life directly from him. Rather than trying to hide that part of their story, an open adoption allows for honesty and healing. In talking to the families, we could hear some of the different ways open adoption plays out in real life. It is a blessing to have a support group! During this meeting, we also discussed the nationwide low number of domestic infant adoptions and some possible reasons. One supposed reason is that more women are choosing to parent due to the lessening stigma of single moms and young moms. Another reason is that adoption is considered the third and least desirable option behind parenting and abortion. The national need for adoption may be on the rise due to the overturning of Roe v. Wade. We pray that adoption surpasses abortion as an option for mothers in crisis pregnancies and that the church will be prepared.
In April, we received a message about a 3-year-old girl in Philadelphia with severe medical needs. We prayed for this little girl and we decided that our family was not in a position to adopt her. On May 20th, we received a message from Bethany about a Iowa mother and father with a baby boy due on July 12th. The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida while in the womb. We had researched spina bifida before and the level of disability varies greatly with each case. After a few days of prayer, research, and discussions we decided to submit our family profile to be considered for this child. On June 2nd, while waiting to hear back from Iowa, we received another email from our caseworker at Bethany about a 4-year-old boy in Virginia. This took us off guard because we have only been envisioning and planning to add a baby to our family, to continue growing our family in the normal birth order just through adoption instead of biologically. We had just gone through a wave of emotions from deciding about the boy in Iowa and now we were at it again with the 4-year-old in Virginia, who is older than two of our kids.
When reading through the email the line that really stuck out to me was the description of the family the mom was looking for, “a loving, stable family with a strong marriage. She would like the family to have the child involved in things like camp, sports, preschool, and other activities. She would prefer a family with children because the child loves to play with other children.” I turned to Ali and said, “Ali, I am a camp director and an athletic director, we live at a school, and we have 4 kids…she is describing our family!” This alone was not enough to convince us though. Any child placed for adoption is exposed to trauma, even when adopted from the hospital the baby is separated from the biological mother she has been inside for 9 months. As a child ages, the level of trauma increases. Knowing this and trying to understand how bringing a 4-year-old would affect our family took some time to work through. We came to the same conclusion that we have before, God knows what is best and He is in control. We strive to be open to the Lord’s leading and we decided to submit our family profile. We knew this did not guarantee that God would give us this child but we thought it was more likely than in the previous cases. We were waiting to hear back about both boys and had some peace knowing that God would only give us what we can handle, whether that be a boy with serious medical needs or a boy with serious emotional needs.
For the first time since starting this journey, we heard back that the mom was interested in our family and wanted to schedule a meeting with Ali and me. We received more information about the boy, PJ. The mom sent some photos of PJ and when Ali opened the email at the grocery store she started bawling at how cute he is. We also heard back from the family in Iowa during this time, they had chosen a different family. We scheduled a video intro meeting with PJ’s mom but it was canceled last minute due to her infant son being taken to the hospital. That was when we learned that PJ has a younger half-brother. We rescheduled the meeting and again the mother was not able to be a part of it due to her infant son’s sickness and appointments, but we were able to speak with her agent and our agent about PJ and the whole situation which was a helpful, informative meeting. Finally, on June 29th, we had a meeting with PJ’s birthmom through a video call. She was very friendly, well-spoken, and shared a lot about PJ. She pointed out all of the things in our family profile book that lead her to choose our family such as having kids, being active, our faith, and our desire to maintain a connection with her. We were able to ask each other several questions and it was just an easy conversation overall. The next day we found out that she wanted to move forward with our family adopting PJ and we happily agreed.
“Woah, this is really happening…” was a common phrase in our house for at least a week. Our Bethany case worker sent us a schedule of the transition plan that ends with PJ moving into our home permanently the last week in July. The idea is to slowly transition PJ to be comfortable moving into our home by first getting to know our family and us getting to know him through various visits. This also allows for us and the case workers to look for any red flags that would prevent us from moving forward. There were some logistics to work through to make all of this happen. PJ was living over 2 hours away from us in VA, his birthmom needs to relinquish her parental rights and then has 7 days to change her mind, PJ is not allowed to leave the state during that time, and the previous host family was not able to foster him throughout that period. God provided, as He does, a host family that lives only 1 hour from us, and they are able to provide foster care for PJ up until the time he comes into our family.
Our family first “met” PJ through a video chat on July 7th. He has such a bright smile and he did awesome for a 4-year-old trying to talk through a screen to strangers. He spent about half of the time singing the song he had just learned, It’s Raining, It’s Pouring, it even got Henry to dance a little. On July 11th, Ali and I drove to Herndon and got to actually meet PJ in person. He is very playful and friendly, he was comfortable with us and the three of us played outside washing toy trucks and chasing each other around for over an hour. It was surreal, to be playing with this beautiful boy who is soon to become our son. I cherish the joy I felt holding him in my arms as he giggled while running away from Miss Ali who was trying to get us wet with Mr. Spongehead.
Tomorrow, July 17th, Ali and I get to see PJ again and this time we are bringing the kids along. These kids have been praying and praying about their adopted sibling for years. We are eagerly awaiting the moment they meet and seeing all 5 of them together for the first time. I asked Grayson what he was most excited about having a new brother, he said, “sharing a room with him.” I asked him what he was most nervous about, he said, “Well he likes Paw Patrol and I don’t really like Paw Patrol anymore but I am probably gonna have to watch Paw Patrol now.” Kids are great!
Thank you for all of the support and love we have received throughout this journey. We have been blessed to hear of your prayers and your interest in our recent experience with PJ. Please continue in your prayers for our family and for the others involved.
Pray for peace for PJ as he is going through so much in his life right now.
Pray that the meetings with PJ start to build trusting relationships.
Pray for PJ’s birthmother as she makes this life-changing decision.
Pray for the Bethany workers and PJ’s current foster family.
Pray for our family as we emotionally, logistically, and physically prepare to adopt PJ.
Love,
Tim, Ali, Grayson, Ellie, Evelyn, and Henry Stewart
We are excited to announce that we are soon to become a waiting family once again!
Ali and I sent out our last family update in July 2020. This was following the first 4 months of COVID in which we were surprised to discover Ali was pregnant and a week later were both laid off from our jobs. After sharing the news of the pregnancy with Bethany Christian Services and our intent to still adopt, we were told that our adoption case would be closed and we would have to start over once the baby is a year old. Due to the money lost and the overall experience, Ali and I decided to change our plans from domestic infant adoption to foster care adoption. Things continued to be difficult for our family in 2020. We were losing money every month so we decided to sell our house and we moved into my parents home in November. Ali was 7 months pregnant with our 4th child and in the midst of a difficult first year of homeschooling, I was working two part-time jobs and getting our house ready to sell, and we were living in a 1 bedroom apartment attached to my parents house. We were so thankful for our loving family but this was not a long-term solution. We prayed often about our future and that we would place our trust in the Lord. One of the verses our family memorized together was a good encouragement, “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.” - Psalm 20:7
In December 2020, we met via zoom with our Bethany caseworker and the MD branch director to discuss closing our adoption. We were prepared to challenge their decision to close our case but were graciously surprised with the news that we could put our adoption on a hold. We could apply the money we had already paid to a future adoption. We quickly decided we would continue to pursue a domestic infant adoption after our soon-to-be-born son, Henry, turned a year old. This was just the first of many blessings the Lord had in store for us this past year.
In March 2021, Ali and I were on our way home from closing on our house and we were discussing our future. Two years prior, I had applied for a position at Rockbridge Academy, a K-12 Classical Christian School, as the Athletic Director and went through a few interviews but they never filled the role. As I was driving I said, “I just wish I had gotten that job at Rockbridge.” Ali asked if I had been checking their website and I ensured her I had. When I got home I checked the website again and there it was under Positions Available: Athletics Coordinator and Discover Summer Camp Director. In complete astonishment, I yelled, “Ali it’s there!” Happy tears of hope rolled down her cheeks as we read together through the job description.
A little over a month later, I received an official offer from Rockbridge and it was better than we could have imagined. I was offered a dream position, there was provision for my kids to attend the school, and a welcoming on-campus house just for my family was included. God, our Father in Heaven, was listening to our prayers and He just provided for our every need. I have now been an Athletics Coordinator for 7 months, we moved to Crownsville over the summer, and our two oldest are Rockbridge students this school year. We are loving every minute of it and are still full of gratitude for our current life.
Once we got settled in our new home, we completed a new home study for our adoption case. It involves getting interviewed by our Bethany caseworker, having a fire and safety home inspection, fingerprinting and background checks, health physicals for the whole family, and a fee. We also created a new family profile book that includes updated pictures and changes in our family for the birthmom to look at when choosing an adoptive family for her baby. We are just a short step or two away from being active on the waiting families list and Henry’s first birthday is later this month.
The domestic infant adoption program at the Maryland branch of Bethany has been slow since we entered, they are still not accepting new adoptive families. Thankfully, the pandemic did not cause a shutdown or a further slowdown of adoptions. The placements in 2020 were higher than those in 2019 and 2021 is about the same as 2020. Even though we are becoming a waiting family soon, the wait for a placement could still be long.
I apologize, this update was a long time coming. Many of you have already heard that we were still pursuing adoption and have been supporting us. We are so thankful for all of the friends and family we have to love us along this journey. We have made many more friends in our new setting at Rockbridge and were excited to meet other adoptive parents in the community. So many have given financially and we have put all of those funds towards the paid adoption fees. Thank you for your generosity. We were blessed to make a profit from the sale of our Silver Spring house and have set aside funds for the remainder of our adoption fees. We still ask for your prayers as we prepare for our family to grow through adoption.
Love,
Tim, Ali, Grayson, Ellie, Evelyn, and Henry
Ali and I are happy to announce that we are expecting our 4th child! Baby Stewart is due December 27th!
We have been praying for another child and we were planning on our next addition coming through adoption. We have been a waiting family through Bethany Christian Services for almost a year. Despite our best efforts to prevent it, God decided we should have another biological child. The news of Ali’s pregnancy was surprising, exciting, upsetting, and embarrassing all at once. We were joyful that there was a life in Ali’s womb once again but we knew our hopes of an adopted child were now delayed further.
One week after finding out about the pregnancy, Ali and I were both laid off from our jobs at ForeverStrong due to the pandemic shutdown. Emotions were running high in our household. Ali has experienced two miscarriages, both of which were surprise pregnancies. The early stages of this pregnancy were filled with anxiety for her, she still starts to worry on occasion when her symptoms change. At one appointment the technician had trouble finding the heartbeat but when the sonogram showed an energetic baby moving all about, Ali breathed a sigh of relief. We look forward to when Ali can feel the movements of our baby.
At the beginning of June, our Bethany caseworker started reaching out about renewing our home study. We let her know that Ali was expecting and that we still intend to adopt but would need to put a hold on the process. She congratulated us and let us know that she would need to close our case and that all of the funds we had paid thus far, $16,750, would not be refunded nor transferred to a new case. This was a gut punch. Many had contributed to our adoption and it feels as though it were all for naught. There is some consolation in knowing that the money went towards supporting a Christain organization that facilitates adoption and provides services for women with unplanned pregnancies. To learn more about the programs at Bethany in Maryland click here.
We have decided that we will not be starting a new adoption case through Bethany following the birth of our baby. Our plan is now to become foster parents once the time is appropriate. Thank you to everyone who has supported us through our adoption journey. The outpouring of love and prayer was both a blessing and a humbling experience. We are so thankful that the Lord surrounded us with people we could turn to when we had questions and who encouraged us when pursuing potential matches.
Recent events in our life bring to mind what Solomon teaches with this proverb, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” We praise God for His sovereignty and find peace in Him as we are encouraged to in Isaiah, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”
Please rejoice with us for the gift of a precious child the Lord has given us!
Love,
Tim, Ali, Grayson, Ellie, and Evelyn
Dear Friends and Family,
We officially became a waiting family in July 2019 when we received a letter in the mail from Bethany Christian Services letting us know our home study was approved and that we should be ready to receive a call on any day. There has been a variety of emotions experienced in the months since.
We are thankful (tis the season) for the support we have received from friends and family. People will often ask Ali and I about the adoption journey and provide us with encouragement, we have reached out to friends at various times to talk through concerns, we received substantial financial aid, and we know that many of you are keeping us in your prayers.
We have received two messages from Bethany about a potential adoption opportunity but neither one was part of God’s plan for our family. Both of these babies would have involved working with a different agency, Bethany was notified after no matches were made within the original agency. First, on October 7th, we heard about a boy who had been born a month earlier in Florida with pretty severe medical needs. After time in prayer and going through the medical description that was provided with a family friend who is a doctor, we decided that our family was not suited to care for this child. We have been praying for him, Eliie and Grayson in particular are very good at remembering to pray for him. The second message we received on November 20th, it was for a New Jersey baby due on 12/23 with a 75% chance of being born with Down syndrome. Ali and I discussed the email that night and decided to move forward, the next morning Ali called the agency who informed her that they had already received the limit of interested families.
Both of these situations have brought tears to our eyes as we considered all of the implications. The first boy was born premature with multiple drugs in his system and placed under Safe Haven Law. While it is sad to think of him suffering and easy to be upset with the mother we also acknowledge the hard decisions she made to not abort the child and to take him to and leave him somewhere he would be cared for. We decided that we were not the family for this child and we are left wondering who will be caring for his fragile body. With the second situation an adoption plan was made by both parents for this child after genetic testing showed a high chance the baby would be born with a chromosomal condition. It is very upsetting to think of how a condition could change the worth of a child to it’s parent but again the parents are giving this child an opportunity for life and we do not know the circumstances of these birth parents. It was exciting to envision a baby that could be our own but the emotion was quickly quelled when we were denied the chance. Even though we were turned away we thank God for the response of so many willing families.
We received a third message from Bethany during this time, an update for waiting families. Our social worker let us know that it has been a tough year for placements with only 3 babies placed with families so far this year. There are 7 women currently working with the pregnancy counselor who are all due towards the end of this year or early next year. The Bethany domestic infant adoption program in Maryland is no longer accepting applications but instead focused on finding matches for the 50 waiting families. Our social worker listed the 3 factors that recently have been reducing the number of matches between waiting families and available babies.
1. Willingness for an open adoption
2. Open to drug exposure
3. Open to Bi-polar disorder history in mother
Part of the adoption home study was filling out our preferences, this information is then used to find matches. The adoption preferences page lists 44 different situations to which we answered Yes, No, or Will Consider. It involves the health of the baby, the health of the birth parents, the race, gender, circumstances of conception, and openness plan. Openness refers to the extent of contact the adopted child will have with the birth parents. Our preferences are very open but in most cases the birth mother would still have to choose our family and we would also have the opportunity to say yes or no based on the circumstances.
This update from Bethany brought up the feeling of uncertainty that we had felt during parts of our home study process. Are we doing the right thing? Why are we adopting when there are so many families who are also waiting? Through prayer, reading, and conversations we were reminded that we are following a call God has placed on our hearts and God will either fulfill this call or redirect us. We truly believe that there is a specific child who God has planned to be part of our family. We trust in Him.
I am an avid reader of the World Magazine publication, I suspect some of you might be as well. We were concerned to see Bethany Christian Services being called out on the front page of a recent edition. Bethany Christian Services recently conformed to new legislation requiring some of the branches to accept applications for adoption from same-sex couples. Where Bethany complied, other Christian adoption agencies did not and are now in legal battles over the issue. In the meantime, those agencies are not able to match adoptive families with available children which was Bethany’s main argument against opposing. It was troubling to hear that a Christian organization that we are currently working with is not standing up for Biblical principles of marriage and family. While we do not support the decision that Bethany made we are still going to complete the process that we started with them.
Please come talk with us about our adoption if you have questions. There is a lot of misunderstood information about the adoption process and we still have a lot to learn. This waiting period is similar in some ways to going through a pregnancy but very different in other ways, both positive and negative. My favorite part right now is talking with our kids about our future baby; guessing whether it will be a boy or girl, getting name suggestions and wondering what he or she will look like. Please continue to pray and support us through this journey, we sure do appreciate it!
Love,
Tim, Ali, Grayson, Ellie, and Evelyn Stewart
