Most of these posts are written as “we”, but this one will be fully from Rachel’s heart.
When I grieved the infertility I walked through prior to Hudson, I would get frustrated with certain women grieving secondary infertility as I would say, “you already have one. I just want one.” Only women who’d walked a really hard battle would get my empathy.
I’ve heard that line since having Hudson, and it really stings. God’s definitely humbled me and made me realize that the grief may be different, but there is still very much grief. In fact, my grief this
... Read moretime has been more intense and more painful. I could list all the many things I’ve grieved, but I’ll highlight just one.
One of the things I grieved is that Hudson had no siblings and no cousins. I myself am an only child and have no cousins. I grew up longing for siblings and cousins to play with and often felt very alone. While I had a hard childhood, much different than the pretty magical one we’ve created for Hudson, it would still break my heart watching him play alone in the backyard.
Through adoption, Hudson’s gained a sibling. Not only that, he’s gained several boy “cousins” through baby N’s biological brother’s family. They came over to our house and brought food and presents. The boys made themselves at home and were an absolute joy to get to know.
Their mom and dad are amazing, and we really clicked. Our biological boys have similarities that allow us to relate on levels other families don’t always understand. They also share a very similar adoption experience as our boys share the same birth mother. Both of those things can feel lonely and isolating, yet we “get” each other.
If I hadn’t allowed God to heal my heart and my grief, I’d be grasping these things as a way to make myself feel better. I no longer feel that way. I’m able to see the true blessing that it is without using it as a way to override bitterness and sorrow.
Gaining another family in this way is yet another way God’s answered my prayers. It’s like he is saying, “we could’ve done it your way, but My way is better.”
It reminds me of this: Hudson begs me for yogurt, and I say no because I’m going to surprise him with ice cream later. He can’t have tons of dairy so I need to be selective in what he has. He is so angry at me because he can’t see the “better” thing coming.
When I didn’t know if I could have a child biologically, I went to a fertility clinic and had lots of tests done. Not long after, I was driving by Memorial Hermann hospital listening to the radio. My ears opened to hear the words sung, “you’re closer than you think you are. Only moments from the break of dawn. All His promises are just up ahead. Maybe you just haven’t seen it yet.” I smiled and felt peace. Turns out, I was pregnant and didn’t know it.
After we completed baby N’s nursery, I sat back in the rocking chair overcome with emotion. Those same words “magically” entered my brain, “you’re closer than you think you are…. all His promises are just up ahead”… we were chosen a week later. We are now seeing the prayers answered.
God doesn’t have to speak to me so clearly, yet He does. He didn’t have to answer my prayers in these ways, yet He’s chosen to. I can’t tell you how humbling it is. I am the most undeserving person. And while I so wish my body wasn’t still so broken and in need of more repair, I am grateful that we have a God who uses the brokenness for good.
PS- I look forward to sharing these photos once I don’t have to censor anymore. 😉
