Justin and CJ Daniel

Many of you know our story already but for those of you that don't, I've shared it below. After taking almost two years to process what happened to us, we are finally ready to add to our family through adoption and trusting in the Lord for this! We are adopting through an organization called Lifetree that is based out of Dallas, TX. It is a Christian, domestic adoption agency that works to care for and match birth moms with adoptive families. As you know, adoption is expensive!! Here's a breakdown of the cost:

The application fee is $2500 and the placement fee is $47000. This fee covers weekly counseling, clothes, housing, food, postpartum care, and medical assistance for the birth mothers for the duration of their pregnancy. After the placement, we are responsible for paying for an adoption attorney who will finalize the adoption six months after placement. We are hoping to raise $55,00 through your support as well as adoption grants to cover the entire cost of this process. Most families are able to adopt within a year of their application so we are prayerful that this will be the case for us! If you have it on your heart to support our adoption journey and help us grow our family, we would be so blessed!

OUR STORY (copied and pasted from CJ's original Facebook post) "In October 2021, I was 34 weeks pregnant and dealing with a high risk pregnancy condition called placenta previa. We weren’t expecting to meet our little girl until my planned C section on Nov 1. But at 9:45pm on Oct 3, I had just gone to bed and I woke up because I felt myself bleeding. Within 15 minutes, I was basically hemorrhaging on the toilet. I have never bled so much so fast and there was nothing I could do to stem the flow. I had Justin call 911 and I called Saddleback hospital to let them know I was coming and tell them my current condition. As we waited for the paramedics, Justin dutifully packed the last minute items in my hospital bag from a list I had made for him a few weeks prior in the event of an emergency like this.

The paramedics arrived within 10 minutes and by then my bleeding had slowed down. I got into the ambulance with nothing but my PJ shirt and my robe on and I was praying that the baby in my belly would be ok. Justin tailed the ambulance in our car and definitely broke a few traffic laws on the way.

I was admitted to labor and delivery around 10:30 where the doctor on call, Dr. Lam, told me that she thought we needed to go ahead and deliver my baby or I would be at risk for a blood transfusion. We said ok, made a few phone calls to family and by midnight I was in the OR getting an epidural. Next thing I knew, it was 2:30am and I was waking up out of a groggy stupor. I woke up to the news that I lost four liters of blood and needed a blood transfusion and that they couldn’t save my uterus because they couldn’t stop the bleeding. I don’t remember anything about my baby’s birth because I was too zonked out on drugs.

Justin told me afterward that Dr. Lam asked for his consent to remove my uterus because I wasn’t lucid. He asked her in return, “if you don’t do that will she die?” And when Dr Lam said “yes” the answer was obvious. Justin was reduced to tears.

The first time I saw my baby girl was at 4:30am over FaceTime. The first time I saw her in real life was 14 hours after she was born. And I’ve only seen her for roughly four hours a day since then as she’s been in the NICU.

A day or so later Dr. Lam came in and explained to me that I had placenta acreta, a condition where the placenta grows into the uterine wall. That typically happens when you have scar tissue on your uterus which must have occurred when I had a myomectomy for a huge fibroid in 2019. She could not separate my placenta from my uterus.

In all of my ultrasounds and discussions about pregnancy post fibroid removal, nobody ever told me placenta acreta could be a risk. It’s such a rare condition that none of my doctors caught it early. Even if they had, nothing could be done to fix it. Dr Lam tried for two full hours to save my womb but she just couldn’t stop the bleeding. Even if she could have saved it, future pregnancies would be advised against and nearly impossible.

In the last two weeks, I’ve had a lot to process and work through physically and emotionally. One moment, I was pregnant and trying SO hard to make it though two more weeks of work before going on maternity leave which should have started today. The next, I wasn’t pregnant anymore, I was separated from my baby and my womb had been taken from me along with all hope of any future biological children. The pure joy Justin and I should have had in the birth of our beautiful baby has been tangled with immense grief. Grief that I will never feel those sweet baby kicks again or grow another of our children in my womb. Grief that I cannot bear siblings for Antoinette. Grief that all of the sweet newborn experiences and growth milestones will never be repeated. Grief that I wasn’t lucid for the birth of my one and only child. Grief that my only birth experience is clouded by loss. Grief that those precious moments I envisioned after birth to hold and bond with my baby were robbed from me by my baby spending two weeks in the NICU. Regret that I was so miserable in my pregnancy and couldn’t wait for it to be over. I have felt a deep hole inside of myself knowing that my womb is gone. I will never get a do over.

I have been wrestling with God over why this happened to me. Why me? Why now- after our first child? Why couldnt he give me at least one more? It took me nearly a week and a half before I could pray anything other than those words. All I’ve been able to do is cry.

And then God reminded me of Romans 5.

3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. 6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person-though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die- 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

God brought this verse to my mind at a time when my heart was soft and ready for it. I prayed through this verse and sobbed the whole way not knowing why God allowed me to lose my womb but believing that he has a purpose to refine me in my suffering.

God also brought Joseph to my mind. We often gloss over the sufferings of people like him in the Bible and only focus on the good things. But that man was sold into slavery by his own family, put in prison for years and forgotten about by his friends. He endured so much and God, as he always does, used his suffering to shape the course of the entire Old Testament and the people of Israel.

And he does this time and time again in scripture. He is faithful. And he is eternal. My finite human mind cannot comprehend the eternally wise God whose love for me is unconditional. And in my questioning and pain, I have to trust in that.

Ive also been pondering the miracle of pregnancy and birth. I know so many friends who have lost pregnancies or struggle with infertility. Conceiving and birthing a healthy baby is one of Gods most amazing gifts and miracles. And he gave us a sweet, absolutely beautiful baby girl to love, to raise, to disciple, and to enjoy.

I don’t know why God allowed me to lose my womb in this way. But I do know that he is still good, he is still faithful, he is still loving, and he is still sovereign over the universe. I know that God will use the pain I feel in my loss to bear fruit for his kingdom. I know this because he’s shown himself faithful in his word time and again and in my life time and again.

Yesterday at church, Ive never sung lyrics more deeply from my soul:

Is anyone worthy? Is anyone whole? Is anyone able to break the seal and open the scroll? The Lion of Judah who conquered the grave He was David's root and the Lamb who died to ransom the slave Is He worthy? Is He worthy? Of all blessing and honor and glory Is He worthy of this? He is

In my tangle of grief over my loss and joy in my beautiful baby girl, God is still worthy. And every time I see my Antoinette smile or smell her hair or snuggle her, I will thank my God who is the giver of life more profoundly than I ever have."

Thank you for reading our story! Follow us on instagram @Daniel_Adoption_Chronicles for video updates.