We are adopting a child!
Hi! Our names are Colin and Patrick and we are grateful you've visited our page. Patrick is a business owner and Clinical Social Worker in our town and Colin is a Registered Dietitian.
Over the past 15 years of our relationship we lived and loved through so much: came out to our family and friends, marched for Marriage Equality and witnessed love win, comforted each other through significant and traumatic losses, created a chosen family that surrounds us with unconditional support and love, lifted one another up as we ambitiously grew our careers, survived a pandemic, bought our dream home, and finally stood in front of our loved ones to say “I do”.
Some might say that we’ve “done it all”. As much as we’d like to agree, we have learned that life continues to surprise us with blessings and challenges. There is one in particular that we have yet to experience and long for most: Parenting. We see the greatest expression and extension of our love for each other is through parenting a new life being born into this world. The call of fatherhood sounds regardless of sexual orientation. Early on in our relationship we discussed growing our family together, identified the known options, and have grown into the men who are ready to be parents.
As part of our adoption process, we have started a crowdfunding campaign. It may surprise you to hear that adoption-related costs can easily total up to $35,000 - $75,000 or more. This is why we have set a goal of $30,000 to help ease the financial burden that often overwhelms adoptive parents.
We hope that by inviting you into this process, you will see yourself as part of the community we have already built and that will protect, nurture, and guide our child as they grow up. Thank you for joining us on this journey.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: Why did you select A New Beginning Adoption Agency?
What first drew us to A New Beginning was the inclusive welcome we felt immediately. As a gay couple, finding an organization that will not just tolerate you but celebrate you, was of the utmost importance. Many adoption agencies in our area are exclusive of queer couples. Yes, we are still legally discriminated against in the adoption system. We want the love and excitement that we feel coming into adoption to be reflected in the staff who help us along the way; in the hopes that other queer couples will continue to be inspired. A New Beginning lifts up the visibility of queer couples and working with an organization like this is important to our overall journey. After attending the introductory webinar, we really felt that the infant adoption program best suited us. Most importantly, we agreed that the time and care A New Beginning places on the training process and support for prospective parents and birth mothers was unique and an experience we would certainly benefit from as first time parents.
Q: Why don’t you just foster to adopt? What is the difference between adoption and foster care?
Adoption and foster care are both ways of providing care for children who cannot live with their biological parents for various reasons. However, they differ significantly in terms of legal status, permanency, and the nature of the parental rights involved:
A. Legal Status and Permanency:
o Adoption: Adoption is a legal process through which parental rights and responsibilities for a child are transferred from the birth parents to the adoptive parents permanently. Once an adoption is finalized, the adoptive parents become the child's legal parents, with all the rights and responsibilities that come with parenthood.
o Foster Care: Foster care, on the other hand, is intended to be a temporary placement for children who cannot live with their biological parents due to safety concerns, neglect, abuse, or other reasons. Foster care is supervised by government or licensed agencies. The goal of foster care is often to provide a stable and nurturing environment while working towards reunification with the birth family or finding another permanent placement for the child, such as adoption.
B. Parental Rights:
o Adoption: In adoption, the birth parents' legal rights to the child are voluntarily terminated, and the adoptive parents assume full legal parental rights and responsibilities. This includes making decisions about the child's upbringing, education, healthcare, and inheritance.
o Foster Care: In foster care, the birth parents typically retain legal rights to their children, even though the child is living with foster parents. The foster parents have limited legal rights and responsibilities and must work within the guidelines set by child welfare agencies.
C. Purpose and Focus:
o Adoption: Adoption is focused on the birth parent(s) creating an adoption plan because the birth parent(s) are choosing not to parent the child due to several factors. Birth parents who create adoption plans do so out of immense courage, love, and sacrifice. Adoptive parents commit to raising the child as their own and providing emotional and financial support throughout the child's life.
o Foster Care: Foster care is primarily focused on providing temporary care and stability for children until they can be safely reunited with their birth families or placed in another permanent situation. Foster parents are expected to provide a nurturing environment while supporting reunification efforts or other long-term plans set by child welfare authorities.
D. Process:
o Adoption: The adoption process involves extensive legal procedures, including home studies, background checks, and court hearings to finalize the adoption. Adoptive parents often work with adoption agencies or attorneys to navigate the process.
o Foster Care: Becoming a foster parent involves undergoing training, background checks, and home evaluations. Foster parents are licensed or certified by state or local child welfare agencies to provide care to children in need.
In summary, we believe in ethical adoption and are trying our best to engage with the system in this way. Our personal opinion is that by using the foster care system to adopt a child because “they pay for everything” is unethical and exploits a system meant to be temporary with the goal of reunifying with the birth parent(s). We believe all birth parents deserve to be provided the services and resources needed to parent their children, if that is their choice.
Our adoption agency, A New beginning, is birth parent centered and provides support and resources (through intensive case management and therapy services) to the birth parent(s) in order to support their choice. When a birth parent chooses to make an adoption plan, our agency then engages in the adoption process.
Q: Are you wanting a boy or a girl?
Yes. Sex assigned at birth is not a criteria or preference in our adoption. We want to be parents and to love our child(ren) as they are. We prefer gender neutral items, décor, and clothing for our child. We feel the same toward race/ethnicity of our child. Should we match with a child of different race/ethnicity than us, we take cultural integrity and awareness seriously and intend to provide our child with the appropriate models, exposures, and education that reflect and affirm their identities.
Q: Are you adopting a child of any age?
We are currently adopting through the Infant Adoption Program with our adoption agency. This means that we will be adopting a baby 0–1 month old. We will likely be present at the hospital for the baby’s birth, etc. There are cases that occur when the adoption plan is made after birth, but is less common (at least with our agency).
Q: Why didn’t you choose surrogacy? Can’t you just use your lesbian friends to have biological children?
We are aware that the stereotypical assumption of a queer male couple is to seek surrogacy. However, there are several reasons why we did not choose this option:
A. We have experienced assumptions that surrogacy is “preferred” because it provides a biological connection with the child. As a queer couple who has a close and fiercely loving chosen family, we have learned that biological connection is not required to feel strong familial connections. Love is love is love. Biological connection is not “preferred” to us. We will feel love and connection to our child as strongly as any biological parent, regardless. Biological relations are not the standard to us.
B. Surrogacy in the United States costs $100,000+. With surrogacy, fees include surrogate compensation, agency fees, legal fees, all medical expenses, etc. Surrogacy is simply not affordable for us and not required for us to be parents.
C. To assume that queer men rely on their queer female friends to “provide” a child is a heteronormative assumption that is offensive and inappropriate. Yes, this a situation that occurs, but not nearly as common as movies and TV shows may have you believe. Our queer female friends have autonomy of their own bodies and do not deserve to be assumed surrogates for queer men. This also presents a complex relationship dynamic that is not always compatible or healthy.
D. The decision to adopt was not one taken lightly, and is a decision we are passionate about. As queer/gay men, we faced adversity and rejection. We also found unconditional love and celebration in what we would consider our “chosen family”. A Chosen Family is the people with which surround you and understand you, lift you up, celebrate you, help you, and love you, even without biological ties… A family. The bonds within our chosen family are proof that genetics are not required for intimate connection and family bonds. There are many reasons why we chose adoption. The most important reason being that we are ready to raise a child and provide that child with stable and nurturing bonds of attachment both with us and with our loyal chosen family.
Q: So, are you any closer to getting a baby? What are the updates?
We understand that those who love and support us have the best of intentions and just want to know what is going on in our adoption process. What is hard to communicate is that the process is extremely personal and emotional for us/those adopting. We also have come to realize that many people do not know what the adoption process looks like. Please know that the process we describe here is our experience with our agency and may not reflect all adoption journeys.
A. We had to first complete an application with our chosen adoption agency.
a. We completed several forms for both adoption agency and home study agency detailing our income, assets, and debt (down to the penny).
B. Once the application was accepted, we were required to attend 15+ hours of interactive training seminars.
C. Before moving forward from here, we had to complete a Home Study. Because our adoption agency is located in a different state, we had to choose an Illinois agency to complete our Home Study complying with Illinois laws.
a. This involved researching and applying with a different agency (Caritas Family Solutions). We had to complete another application, as well as provide the following:
i. Six different references who provided written responses.
ii. One reference from each of our employers.
-Since I am self-employed a letter had to be provided by my CPA to confirm my employment experience.
iii. SAFE Questionnaire I & II
iv. List of previous residences/addresses.
v. Fingerprints and Background Checks
vi. Copies of Driver’s Licenses, marriage certificate, Birth Certificates, Pet vaccine records and registration, proof of current residency, and more.
vii. Signed forms such as: Adoption Services Plan, Services Treatment Verification Form, Informed Consent with agency, Website Release Form, Consent for Telehealth Services, Consent for Background Checks, Completed Training Certificates, Post Placement Commitment Letter, Verification of Insurance for Child, Medical Forms for each member of the household, Fee Agreement Form, Acknowledgement of Compliance Form, Firearms Agreement Form, Water Temperature Hazards Agreement Form, Prohibition of Corporal Punishment Form, Child Supervision Plan Agreement Form, Safety Plan for Water Hazards Form, Unsafe Children’s Products Form, Smoke Detector Inspection and Form, Fire Evacuation Plan Form, and Tax Forms.
viii. We completed three interviews with our Home Study Case Worker; one via telehealth and two in person in our home.
ix. We also had to complete individual autobiographies which involved us responding, in essay format, to incredibly personal questions regarding our family history and dynamics, medical and mental health history, views and opinions of parenting, etc. Both autobiographies combined were a total of 25 pages. We also had to complete a “Diversity Tool” that required us to read an article and then provide another essay response to several questions which combined were a total of 15 pages.
b. Once the Home Study was completed, it was sent to our adoption agency to verify and approve.
c. Then we had to create an adoption profile book. This is a book including detailed information about us that will be read by the birth parent(s) to determine if they choose us as the adoptive parents of their birth child. We are required to print and mail 5 copies of this profile book to our adoption agency.
d. Pay program fee to our adoption agency to then be entered into the adoption “waiting pool”. Meaning, we are officially considered ready to adopt and began the process of waiting for a “match”.
e. The match process with our agency involves:
i. When a new birth parent(s) chooses to make an adoption plan with our agency we are sent a synopsis. A synopsis consists of all the information the case worker was able to obtain from the birth parent(s) on age, race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, substance use, prenatal care, family history/information, medical and health history/information, status of pregnancy, etc.
ii. From this synopsis, we must choose whether or not we would like our profile book to be shown. We must notify our case worker within the determined response time.
iii. If we say yes, our profile book is shown to the birth parent(s) along with any other adoptive family’s books. The birth parent(s) may choose a family for adoption or choose multiple families to interview.
iv. If we end up being chosen as a “match” by the birth parent(s), we move forward with the adoption plan. We must pay the “Match Fee” which may include additional fees paid toward birth parent needs.
v. Once the child is born and is discharged from the hospital, we must wait for the court date terminating parental rights of the birth parent(s). Once parental rights are legally terminated (takes 10-14 days), the adoption agency is given custody of the child and we are granted guardianship of the child during the “placement” period, which lasts 6 months. During this 10-14 day period, either birth parent has the right to change their mind and claim their parental rights. Since our adoption agency is located in a different state, we must also wait for a legal process to occur, called the Interstate Compact, so that we are allowed to cross state lines with our child. During “placement”, we must work with our Home Study agency whom provides supervision of placement for the 6-month placement period. In Illinois, we are required to comply with three in-home visits from the agency. So, even after we have “matched”, there are several legal processes to complete and possible chances that we may not parent that child.
vi. Once the 6-month placement period is completed, we must hire an adoption attorney to complete the legal documents and processes involved in legally adopting the child from our adoption agency. This also involves a court hearing we must attend.
vii. After all of this is complete, we are the legal parents of the child we adopted. A day we are more than ready to arrive.
f. Due to the extensive processes involved in adoption and the emotional risks we take with each step; it is important that we keep our support circle very small so that we do not have several people asking us for updates on each synopsis and each step of the adoption process. Imagine preparing to accept a baby into your life, readying yourself for parenting, and opening your heart to this birth family and baby with each synopsis received only to learn you will not parent this child. Each time we are not chosen as a “match” feels like a rejection, as well as, grief. We must then grieve the child we were not chosen to be the parents of… It’s too painful to share with everyone. We appreciate the understanding and support provided from our loved ones.
Q: Is your adoption open or closed?
We both see adoption as an immense gift that a birth parent is giving to us, and want to respect the amount of openness they feel is necessary. We understand the great benefits that open adoptions provide to address the grief and trauma that a birth parent may feel after placement and want to provide them with all of the tools necessary for having peace of mind that their child is placed with parents who want nothing more than to love them. Patrick’s background in Trauma Therapy has helped us use a trauma-informed approach for both the baby and the birth family. Our views on open adoption align with the latest research concluding overall benefits to the adopted child. We also can see that forming a relationship with the birth parent can foster a lifelong connection for us as well. We are afforded the opportunity to learn their history and therefore honor that in our future child. We especially want to be prepared for the event that our child may be of another race/ethnicity than we are and openness with the birth mother can provide answers about their identity and also allow them to feel more positively towards their origin story and culture. Showing our child that we can communicate about our history openly will only benefit them as they grow and allow them to communicate how they feel about their own adoption more effectively. Almost all adoptions these days have some degree of openness, so we expect to navigate this conversation with the birth mother/parent and agency.
Q: Why are you fundraising for an adoption?
All parents must be financially ready to support their child(ren) and the costs of raising them. We feel ready and financially prepared to do so, however, do not have the large lump sum required for adoption expenses. Many people do not know that adoptions in the US cost $30,000 – $75,000. Google it! 😉
The fee breakdown below is based on our adoption agency (also the lowest cost we were able to find in our ethical adoption research).
Fees Breakdown:
Adoption Agency Application Fee: $519.95
Training Fee: $500
Home Study Agency Application Fee: $250
Home Study Fee: $2750
Adoption Agency Home Study Validation Fee: $750
Program Fee: $6,000
Match Fee: $3,000 (+ additional birth parent expenses. Typically, $1,000- $3,000).
Placement Fee: $12,000
Birth Parent Expenses: $6,325 (+ additional birth parent expenses, as needed).
Placement Supervision Fees: $1,000 per visit for three required visits= about $3,000.
Total: $35,094.95 + additional birth parent expenses.
This does not include fees toward travel and stay during the placement process. Nor does this include attorney and court fees for finalization of the adoption.
In conclusion:
We are a passionate, committed, and loving queer male couple on our journey to fulfill our dream of becoming parents. We are not “saviors”. We were not “called by God to adopt”. We have no desire or intention to exploit the Child Welfare System nor individuals in crisis. We chose adoption because it is our most ethical and realistic way to become parents. We believe we are ready and deserve to be parents. We are beyond grateful for all of our advocates, politicians, and queer warriors who fought for our rights to be legally married and to become a legal family with children. We ask for continued financial and emotional support toward our adoption journey. We acknowledge that not everyone is in the financial standing to provide funds, so we ask that you continue to support us by engaging in our political system to protect our legal rights and our family: vote, call or write to your local, state, and national politicians. Share our story and our journey with those interested. Research has shown that the more queer and trans* folx a person knows, the more accepting and informed a person is of LGBTQIA+ people. Again, Google it!
We want to express our sincere gratitude toward birth parents who have and have yet to make an adoption plan. We understand that this decision is one made out of immense love and sacrifice. We witness your courage, your strength, and your dedication to your unborn child. The prospect of becoming parents fills us with overwhelming joy and anticipation. Thank you to those who have and who have yet to donate to our adoption fund, purchase a gift on our baby registry, seek to understand our experiences, and provide emotional support and love.
If you feel more inclined to gift from our registry, the baby registry is here: www.babylist.com/list/sobolbaby
