... and they were right.
Our adoption journey, not unlike anyone else's, has been filled with a lot of waiting, wondering and worrying.
These three W's seem to bring out the best in Michael, and the worst in me. They also have created a unique dynamic in my mind where my differing versions of myself compete with one another to make sense of it all.
The "marriage therapist" in me tells me that "I statements are effective tools for conveying thoughts and feelings to your spouse" when I've snapped at Michael for the hundredth time, using my snapping as a
... Read moremethod for masking my pain.
The "friend" in me tells me that I am a "bad friend" for feeling envious with each new pregnancy announcement that I see online.
The "Christian" in me tells me that "God has perfect timing for everything" and that I need to "trust His timing more."
One thing we have both learned throughout this adoption is- hearts that long to be parents have a hard time understanding God's timing.
Another is that we can choose to stay put in that confusion, or we can choose to accept the journey that He has called us to be on. In choosing to accept the journey, we are also choosing an attitude of gratitude.
I am grateful for this process, because I have never felt more tested by God and His plans, but I have also never felt as secure letting go and trusting Him. I am grateful for my family, who hugs me while I cry in a public bathroom or who never fails to boost my confidence in the decisions we are making. I am grateful for my friends who tell me that they have enough hope and joy for me, even on the days when it's hard for me to find joy and hope. I am grateful for my husband, who never ceases to bring a calming presence into a situation and who is also able to remind me of positive aspects, especially when I can't see them.
I'm grateful for worship music that gives me lyrics to meditate on like "I am not skilled to understand what God has willed, what God has planned", "...but as the thunder rolls, I barely hear Your whisper through the rain "I'm with you", and as Your mercy falls I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives...", and "You take what the enemy meant for evil, and You turn it for good... I'm going to see a victory."
I'm grateful for these two verses- "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you- plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 and "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13. I am choosing to lean into those plans, and to trust that they are GOOD.
Lastly, I am grateful for every other adoptive mother on this planet because even without knowing them personally, their existence reminds me that I am not alone in the wondering, worrying and waiting.
I think the therapist in me, the friend in me and the Christian in me are all in agreement of the choice to choose gratitude today.